Free to Say What I Want When I Want About Whom I Want
Recently I received some E-Mail from someone I hadn't heard from for awhile. He is someone who is very important to me and also someone I love very much. I had happened on his E-Mail address on line, and since I had not heard from him I wrote a two sentence message to ask him how he was and tell him I love him. He wrote a note back, just as short as mine, to tell me he was fine, busy and to leave him alone. Well, me being me, I could not leave well enough alone, and I wrote back and to this person to tell him I would leave him alone for the rest of his life if he would just do a couple things for me: explain to me what we had done to him to make him hate us so and to be so angry with us; and to at least once in a while let us know he is OK. He doesn't have to tell me what he is doing, who he is with, or where he is, just a short note to let us know he is OK. I don't think this is too much for a mother to ask of her son.
Well, was I wrong. I got a message back telling me he doesn't hate us, he just basically lives in world different from ours and we are not welcome in his. He also assured me he is fine, is being well taken care of by his boss, and is doing nothing illegal. He asked me to stop E-mailing him, to stop searching for him on line, and to stop referring to him on my blog. And then he said "Good bye."
Well, at first I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach, then run over by a train. I cried and asked my husband what I have done. Naturally, my husband tried to console me, but I had to find a way to work this out on my own. I'm already seeing a therapist and feel I have made quite a bit of headway with her. I was NOT going to let this set me back. So then I stopped crying and I got angry (I once had an English instructor who made the class write a theme for punishment, and when she saw mine she told me "People get angry, Monica, not mad--thanks Mrs. Sherbondy).
Well, the more I thought, the more angry I got and this is my answer to my son:
I do not have the ability to just forget someone I love. This is true of people who have died like my mother, father, grandmother, aunts, uncles and so on. I also don' t forget living people I love such as my children, my grandchildren, my brothers, my cousins, etc., even though because of distance and everyone lives far away from everyone else I don't see any of them very often. Therefore, Christopher, I will not just forget you. I will worry and wonder where you are and what you are doing. I will continue to look for you on line whenever the spirit moves me. I love you more than you will ever know, understand or care. You were my first child and when I first looked at you I knew everything I went through was well worth it. I loved you then, I've loved you for the last 36 1/2 years, and I love you right now. I have not always liked or agreed with your actions, but you have had to deal with whatever the consequences were over the years, except the support we gave you and the money it cost us (we nearly went bankrupt), but we have survived.
Oh, and last but not least, I will refer to whomever I care to in my blog, whenever I care to, for whatever I care to as long as it is truthful, does not exploit anyone and does not embarrass anyone. My First Amendment Rights, which your father spent 30 years protecting, give me the right to do so.
Again, I love you very much. Our address and phone number are the same as when you left, as is my and your father's E-Mail addresses. And we love you at least as much, and probably more, as when you left. We will be here for you and love you as long as God allows.
