PLEASE STOP MAKING ME FEEL USELESS, UNWANTED AND UNNEEDED

Sometimes I wonder who was the person who thought everyone needed to live with someone else. While at time I hate being by myself, there are other times I love it. The sad part about this is my family doesn't understand this and when I get sarcastic or just want to be left alone they get angry. It is not my intention to piss off anyone, but I seem to do it without trying hard. I've had a lot going on in the last year and it has been difficult to deal with some of it, but thre are those who think I should just get over it. I'm told "You just ain't right", "you need to see someone", and, my favorite, "You need some medication." Losing my father and retiring were two of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. When I try to talk to anyone they just sdon't want to be bothered, so then when I get mad and sarcastic I'm talke dto like I dirt, I just would like to have one day where I'm right about anything, one day where I feel like someone needs me, one day when I feel like I'm important to someone. I have a son who refuses to talk to anyone in the family, a daughter who is pissed off at me, a usband who is pissed off at me. I keep getting forced to doing things I don't want to do and then no one understands whay I don'tt appreciate what they've done for me. I feel like I'm in a prison becsue I never get out of the house, and frankly i wish everyone would understand MY feeling for a chage and just leave me alone for a while until I work things out for myself instead of making me feel like I am the most awful person in the world. Thsnk you everyone for your understanding.

Too Much at Once

A lot has been happening in my family in the last two weeks or so, and while this entry will not have pictures I just need to talk.

I am a LPN and have been for more than 20 years. In most areas they do not give LPNs the credit they are due. They used to be great when you had a floor that was rather large and you could staff it with one or two RNs and a bunch of LPNs, but now all of a sudden they have decided LPNs over the years, even the ones who have been LPNs for 30 or 40 years have become uneducated and stupid. Now they are trying to get rid of LPNs in hospitals, especially some hospitals that want people to think they are the absolute best so they apply for, and in some cases get, what they call "Magnet Status". This supposedly makes them the absolute greatest. But don't believe it.

I worked in the same hospital where I went to school. Unfortunately, several years ago they closed the LPN school because it cost too much. It is cheaper to let the techical schools run LPN programs. It's a shame too, when a floor gets a manager who rules by threats and write ups. Every new thing she incorporates she tells you will be reflected on your eval. We are not stupid people--we are responsible for what we do. She says incident reports are not punitive, but learning tools, but 95% of the incidents end up in counseling sessions for the nurse. She wrote me up because she threatened to take me to HR to have me dropped down to a PCA if I didn't want to continue the responsilibility of an LPN, but then two weeks later she was going to, and did, leave me on the floor with nine patients and an RN, who whlie she is a very good RN she graduated less than a year aog, is just off orientation and not sure of herself. The manager then told the RN I was not comfortable working with her--actually the RN was uncomfortable being the only RN. The write came because when she called to talk to me she could "hear anger in my voice". Another staff member she wrote up for rolling her eyes.

Well, I've had a lot going on in my family lately and it has been and still is taking its toll on me. My manager and I went to HR to discuss if I needed some time off. I was finished with this, so I took with me a formal written statement in which I retired. This woman is burning people out on nursing and should not be able to continue to do so. She does not have a background in the type of patients that are assigned to her floor and tells her staff, "It's not my job to teach you yours." If this is true, who do you go to when you have a question about something??? Although we did have a question about something once at 0300 and the House Supervisor callled her to ask. Her answer was , "Ask Monica."

So I am now retired. I don't think I will ever work in nursing again. She has burned me out and I saw the same thing happening with other good nurses on her floor. I also saw many good nurses leave and when they left they said it was because of her. I worked that floor over 15 years and have never seen it in such poor shape. I do hope things get better.

The best news is we learned we have a fourth grandchild--a little girl named Teagan. She is my son's child. Unfortunately he is not ready to be a father yet so he did not tell us about her. (They live in another state, far away from us). Teagan is beautiful. My daughter said right away, "Mom, I can't believe how much she looks like you"! Of course I immediately took on the blame that my son was being a deadbeat dad, but Teagan's other grandmother told me not to--he is an adult and makes his own decisions. She said she could tell we did not raise him that way--he has manners and can be very friendly. I hope somewhere in the future he changes his mind and wants to be part of Teagan's life. She will have questions that only he will be able to answer. He will miss so much and someday will regret what he has done. He has also told us we will never hear from him again and that he is better off without a family. Oh, I forgot to say he has been diagnosed with bipolar depression. I have only known about her about a week, but I check my e-mail often for pictures of her and messages from her mom and grandmother. I have accepted this child as my grandchild with no questions and am proud to talk about her. She is beautiful and I would just love to be able to give her a big hug, but for now "virtual" hugs will have to do. Her other grandmother told me about virtual hugs and told me whenever I needed one it was there. I send the same to her.

Also, today would have been my mother's 95th birthday. Oh, how she would have loved Teagan--and her other grandchildren. It's too bad my father died not knowing he had 11 rather than 10 great-grandchildren. And that brings me to another subject. For some reason I am having a really difficult time dealing with his death. I was fine in November, even had no problem picking up his ashes to be buried later. In March we took the ashes to Alabama to bury him next to my mother. There was my two brothers and their wives, my neice and her son and husband, Mike and me. After the ceremony two of my cousins came to the condo my brother had rented. I had not seen the cousins in years and it was great to see them. I don't know why I am having such a difficult time. Do I feel there is more I could have or should have done? Even if I had done more the end would have been the same. I'm not sleeping well at all, and even medicatons are not helping. Maybe it's just everything together. If anyone has suggestions I am open to them.

Well, I guess that's enought for one session. Hope everyone has a great day.